Greater Than, Less Than

Mustache full of blood > Mouth full of blood.

unbeknownist.

Oh, where to begin. about a year ago i went through one of the most devastating series of events in my life. the relationship that kept not only my world, but my sanity and faith in self, shattered, by my own hand. delusions abound, i searched frantically for scapegoats and zeroed them out while slowly losing my mind, suspecting and blaming everyone but myself. I can easily say that the 2nd half of 2009, and the 1st half of 2010 was the worst period of my life. suddenly i realized that i hadn't upheld the integrity and honor i had always thought was such an integral part of my being. suddenly, i was the villain of the movie.

This is far behind me now, and i have learned more than can be written about myself, but old habits and mentalities die hard. whenever anything pertaining to my current relationship could potentially be in jeopardy, i immediately reassess my recent actions, combing over every single day of the past week with intense focus. I am 100% certain i have done no wrong, but every time i can't help but think that i may have slipped back into my old despicable ways without my conscious self knowing. my fear of the darkness i once consciously sent myself to is so great, i go into states of paranoia until the circumstance passes, I realize how foolish i am, and i regain my composure.

I used to have things to worry about "does she know? did she hear me say that?" and relief would come after each time i got away with it, each time taking me one step closer to the oblivion of self destruction. I was the worst person i know. I still feel these rapid fire nerves, but they have no bearing, no ground to why i should worry beyond compare. I have done no wrong but the fear of her falling out my life again is paralyzing.

I've experienced the horrors of betraying myself and the ones i love, and would never in a million years repeat any action remotely close to something that could bring up an ounce of those feelings again. it still haunts me. I still love her more than anything I've ever loved in my life, and i still can't sleep at night.

there might be a terrorist across the street

"there might be a terrorist a across the street"

well yesterday sept 7th was officially the longest day ive ever experienced. my day was 38 hours long thanks to some maneuvering over the dateline along with some assistance from air plane or two. I got to experience two sunrises and two sunsets on sept 7 2010 if that is fathomable to anyone. for ten of these hours i was confined to the international terminal of the beijing airport. its a nice terminal big clean and open. tons of natural lighting and options for food even if they were a little pricier than what i was looking for. however more compatible with my level of thrift was the free internet stations provided for passenger use. quickly i rushed through the process of gaining my login code and password, via passport scan, and time killing browsing and lurking here i came. just one problem. i was in china. the powers that be in china deem it unnecessary for me to view some of my favorite sites. and upon further investigation many sites fall under this undesirable category, deemed as a corrupting source to their ever growing; dare i say too large population (really that refers to the entire human population). after my initial frustration passed i was then stuck staring at the screen rather perplexed and aggravated by the inconvenience of what i would then fill my time with. capitalism seemed to be the most open of venues to pursue. I was able to look at apple's new gadgets and toys. nike's shoe line. ebay. all saints fashion. ect. what was not allowed were sites that allowed uninhibited thoughts and ideas. social networking and blogging. wiki-sites. even the more corporate controlled things like cnn news and cbs were blocked. the idea that china so vigorously protects and prohibits its citizens from browsing the web seems archaic to me. i thought book burning was done (unless of course burning of books is no longer necessary since arguably books no longer hold the same significance today as they once did; some other time). but censorship is alive and thriving quite well i might add in a country that houses at least 1/6th the worlds human population. yet they are allowed to desire the all the consumer goods of the western world that way they have a goal to work towards. consumer fulfillment. new shoes, new stereo, new tires, better clothes, but this consumer fulfillment will not treat them well if it ever does come. it will leave them feeling the same middle class guilt and feeling that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. and corporations will take the governments role of controlling what is said. censorship i guess will continue to occur no matter what country you are in some more aggressively than others. i would like to congratulate an old acquaintance Will for expressing his freedom of speech the other day in auburn and bringing out the absurdity of claims that our current president is indeed,  A NAZI.

On the run

Missionary
You come around sellin those lies
Swallow your plague, look in my eyes
Get the fuck out NOW or seal your demise
This land is the witches’
We’ll burn you alive

Fear.

Medic, the bloodshed is overwhelming.
The hunters gain ground by the second unleashing the fury of hell.
Do you believe in fear?
They come to destroy and leave us in chaos, rest wont come until you die.
We wont survive this winter blackness fills our longs and locust fill the sky.
Walk with me with open arms into the blazing inferno of lies.
Your martyr will enslave us, your savior has eclipsed.
Oh truly wicked one, drown me in the river souls.
To feel the hatred and the power encompass humans fucking whole.
All truly liars, run amongst the blind at will.
Be the sheep of the god you fear while hungry wolves in darkness leer.