unbeknownist.

Oh, where to begin. about a year ago i went through one of the most devastating series of events in my life. the relationship that kept not only my world, but my sanity and faith in self, shattered, by my own hand. delusions abound, i searched frantically for scapegoats and zeroed them out while slowly losing my mind, suspecting and blaming everyone but myself. I can easily say that the 2nd half of 2009, and the 1st half of 2010 was the worst period of my life. suddenly i realized that i hadn't upheld the integrity and honor i had always thought was such an integral part of my being. suddenly, i was the villain of the movie.

This is far behind me now, and i have learned more than can be written about myself, but old habits and mentalities die hard. whenever anything pertaining to my current relationship could potentially be in jeopardy, i immediately reassess my recent actions, combing over every single day of the past week with intense focus. I am 100% certain i have done no wrong, but every time i can't help but think that i may have slipped back into my old despicable ways without my conscious self knowing. my fear of the darkness i once consciously sent myself to is so great, i go into states of paranoia until the circumstance passes, I realize how foolish i am, and i regain my composure.

I used to have things to worry about "does she know? did she hear me say that?" and relief would come after each time i got away with it, each time taking me one step closer to the oblivion of self destruction. I was the worst person i know. I still feel these rapid fire nerves, but they have no bearing, no ground to why i should worry beyond compare. I have done no wrong but the fear of her falling out my life again is paralyzing.

I've experienced the horrors of betraying myself and the ones i love, and would never in a million years repeat any action remotely close to something that could bring up an ounce of those feelings again. it still haunts me. I still love her more than anything I've ever loved in my life, and i still can't sleep at night.